Today’s been so emotional.
I can’t say that “I don’t want to go,” because it’s not that. I know how it feels when I would do anything to get out of a situation. My mom said I didn’t have to go to Ave if I didn’t feel ready. She gave me the option to get out. When I was debating whether or not I should do the endoscopy earlier this summer, all I needed to hear her say was, “I agree. You shouldn’t do it.” and I jumped at the opportunity.
(Speaking of which, I’ve been eating wheat for over a month now and only felt sick/threw up once, but it was easily the most stressful night of the summer and I had been running on a super lack of sleep. So I’d say I can officially rule wheat out of being my issue.)
I don’t want to back out. I know Ave is where I should go, and where I’ll grow in more ways than just intellect. But I’m scared. I’m so, so scared. I want to be able to bring everything that makes me feel safe with me. Heck, even if my mom and my dog could live in the same town, I’d feel so much better. But I’m going to feel so alone for a while.
I just have a really hard time opening up to people for a while because I’m afraid they won’t like me. I’m so shy. I care enormously much about what people - especially strangers - think about me. I’m afraid of looking like an idiot. I’m afraid of getting lost as I try to find my classes. I’m afraid of being late for one of my classes because I only have ten minutes to get there from the class I have before it. I’m afraid of being overwhelmed by work because they have big expectations of me. I’m afraid that I won’t measure up against the other musicians there.
The two times that I really cried today were both about my dog. I’ve never been away from her for more than two weeks. At least I can call/text/e-mail/Skype my mom. My dog won’t understand why I’m gone. I won’t be able to grab her and hug her like I want to.
Too many emotions. I feel like this is all surreal. I wish I could fast-forward a month to where I’m comfortable with whatever lifestyle I have and I’m not worried about things anymore.
Any prayers for for courage would be greatly appreciated.
P.S. That’s why I’ve been MIA for a while now. I’ve been running errands and packing a whole lot, and any time I had free went to my two best friends. You’ll forgive me.