It started of by getting to hang out with all of my close friends on Tuesday, having a mini-street race with Jerome (as if I would actually drive as fast as he does), and juking Matt to take the Wifey to McDonald’s.
Thursday I got to see my family, and play World’s Greatest Villain for the first time ever. I actually understand it! And I’m so excited to show other people. I love my cousins - all of them - and I look so forward to seeing them on Christmas Eve. For the longest time, I felt like I was too young to relate to my male cousins, and ever since we started playing table-top games together, I feel like a part of the crew. I can’t even begin to describe how happy that makes me.
After all of that, I spent almost six hours at Dylan’s house. We always hang out at my place, so it felt great to not be here.
Friday, my grandma was received into the Catholic church. It’s as much of a surprise to my family as anyone - she hadn’t gone to church in 30+ years, or cared at all about God until just the past couple of months. Definitely a miracle.
Later in the evening, I met an absolutely wonderful person (you know who you are), and everything has just been a million percent better since.
Spent time with the Wifey last night, and saw a silly Disney movie that wasn’t half-bad. Then church today, where I saw Lucia, cantored and was complimented by people I hadn’t ever met.
I basically saw everyone I loved, and met a person who has already made me smile so many times I’ve lost count. Things are great.
Only by the Grace of God could all of this have happened.
When life turned out this way for me in the past, I used to drug myself into sleep. I’d try to do anything I could to be out of consciousness. I’d wake up at noon, and roll over and continue to sleep.
This is different. Now, I stumble off to bed early in the morning, And wake up at the smallest sound. I’m swallowed by the world around me - I feel like I’m trapped in a nightmare. It snaps reality in such a sharp image around me that I can’t get back to sleep. I spend more hours awake than I ever used to.
I just cried my eyes out because of you, And you don’t even realize it. I walked around the house, taking gasping breaths, And you continued on ignorantly.
Your hatred will never cease to surprise me. Even when it’s not directed at me, The way you see others - other life, other people - shocks me so much that I can’t help but be overtaken by it.
And I know that if you saw me crying, And if you knew why, It would only make you angrier. You’d never stop and think about it, Or see how wrong your actions are.
Everyone is disposable to you. All we’re good for is doing what you want us to, And if we don’t do that, we’re worthless. We may as well disappear until the job is done by someone else.
I think the worst part is how you always reel me in. It’s easy for me to say I hate you. I think you deserve less because of how you are, And I truly believe it, Until you spend even five minutes treating me like I’m human. Then I regret all of the bad influences I’ve made on people, And the image I’ve painted of you in their head.
And then it starts again. And you treat me, and others alike, as though we’re garbage. I’m overwhelmed all over again.
I keep telling myself I won’t ever trust you again. But I keep almost allowing myself to. It’s not fair that you have this much control over me. I can’t wait until I get out of here, And I can break away from it.
Great America was on Friday. Totally fell in love with a boy whose name I’ll never know. Amy is one of the greatest people I know. I’ll never overcome my fear of roller coasters, But I can accept that once I close my eyes, the feeling of falling is fantastic. I hate the sound of people making out. I love falling asleep without being afraid of how the people around me will be.
Orchestra concert tonight. I didn’t get the flower you delivered last Monday - care to resend?
Two hours in the ER, Freaking out about how much pain you’re in, Cussing at the stupid pattern on the curtains and the boring white ceilings, Begging for some water or ice cubes to suck on, Crying when the doctor says they want to put an IV in your arm, Standing still for x-rays when you can’t hardly breathe… Only to walk outside after it’s all done to see that the sun hasn’t even bothered to wake up yet.
The entire world sleeps while you lose your mind. No one even noticed you were gone.
Forgetting only works for very short periods of time. Sometimes I’m lucky enough to go a few hours without my mind being consumed, But even then, I dream of everything I wish would happen. Although totally different every night, it’s the exact same theme.
I’m staying semi-successful with keeping myself busy. I hate projects, but they almost completely occupy my mind. Math is the best at that.
I miss last semester’s study hall, But I like this semester’s, too. I wish I could have both.
I wish I could live in my dreams, Or I wish they would stop all together.
Today was fun. It’s always nice to walk around doing practically nothing with an old friend.
Saw a bunch of people from school. Spent like five minutes with Hayley & Kadie.
Then Matt and I saw the Princess and the Frog. It was actually really good, for a kiddie movie. Decently predictable, but I can’t complain. Although I knew it was gonna be a love story, There were some parts that really got to me. I teared up a few times, But I guess I’m just a real sap.
Dunno what I’m doing for the rest of the night. I hope there’s someone out there who isn’t busy.
Well, 2009 has officially come and gone. I should probably make a habit out of actually using this more often. I do like the idea of having a public blog, I just have troubles with actually expressing myself, Seeing as the whole world can see what I’ve written.
Oh well. Full weekend. Seeing an old friend, Going to a mass for Grandma, Going to a movie with Zach. Holding on to the slightest bit of hope of seeing Will at some point.
Plus all of the daily things I have to do. It’s living.
I have zero desire to go to school on Monday. Maybe more like a negative desire? I’m simply dreading it.
The first part makes zero sense. I guess we had some sort of celebration at school, And to praise the students, we were all going to go to the auditorium and watch some nail-biter of a football game. As everyone was loading in, I was like, “screw this,” and just left. I got in my pretty volvo and started to drive away, But I was super rushing because I didn’t want to get caught (we weren’t supposed to leave.)
So apparently there was this deep pond by our school, And because I was so rushed, I accidentally drove into it. I was sinking, and there were some adults trying to attack me or kill me or something (punishment for leaving school early?). And I guess it struck me that I was dreaming, so I tried to wake up.
I could actually feel my eyes trying to open, but it was a big struggle. I thought of the weirdest analogy after I woke up. It was like I was in a membrane, And I was trying to break myself out of it, but I wasn’t allowed to use my hands. I don’t know. I’ve never had that happen before. It was too odd.